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The (bonanza) opposition view: Tottenham


Filed: Saturday, 6th May 2017
By: Staff Writer


KUMB's editor (rather foolishly, in hindsight) promised to extend this week's OV by one quote for every 'like' a tweet referring to our latest round-up received, in celebration of guaranteeing PL survival.

More than 150 likes later, here is the latest edition of our rather-longer-than-usual OV complete with lots of naughty foul and just plain obscene language - so definitely not safe for minors or work.

That said, we hereby invite you to read on and watch how blind faith morphs into shocking reality as Tottenham's title challenge evaporates before our very eyes, in the space of just 90 minutes...


Pre-match optimism

"Last season West Ham came 5th, was it? 6th? Best season ever... some urban myth was being stoked about the supposed return of a West Ham 'way'. Less than a season on and here they are in a relegation battle. Basically that it will be a good season for them if they can "dent" our title challenge. See you on Friday West Ham, you utter fucking embarrassment of a 'football' club."
- sammyspurs

"As much as it is their cup final I think we'll annihilate them, not just because we are so much the better side this season, but their fans' heads will be down from the word go. It's not like last year."
- Smoked Salmon

"Want a 5-0 at least tonight, want them utterly humiliated."
- dirtyh

"I'm really not worried at all about this game. These cunts can only sing about blowing bubbles, but can't do anything concerning playing proper football."
- JPav03

"They are awful at the moment. I'd be very surprised if we didn't win comfortably. Hate them more than anyone else."
- The Apprentice

"Facing one more of our 'bitter' rivals who seem to have it in for us. Couldn't give two fucks about how their season goes or what they do, give us the three points and piss off please."
- Pyro_era

"Umpteen-0 to us."
- Furball man

"Pikey jelly eel eating east end cockney Essex boy cunts! They are so obsessed with Spurs it's laughable. Literally nothing to play for apart from trying to derail our title challenge. Just think for a second and think how pathetic and small time that sounds. It's westham though so it's no surprise the 2 bob bunch of caravan munching cunt bags!"
- Don Corleone

"I really want us to inflict hurt on the eel munchers tonight and underline our superiority. I look forward to the scenes of their fans leaving with 15 minutes remaining as yet another Spurs goal goes in."
- kursaal

"I'd like to see us finish strong against West Ham and tonk them. Even though we won against Woolwich, I think we gave them too much respect. West Ham has been talking shite all week, would love nothing more than to wreck them in their new council estate."
- trifficTotnum

"Not a big fan of Friday night football. It will be a boring weekend ahead. Will just have to sit and look at the leage table with us one point behind top place. Never would have thought I'd see that in May. Hoping for a fast start. Get at them early, get a quick goal. With our defence we should then soak up any attacks from them and just kill them off. Another 4-0 please."
- dickieven

"West Ham are a joke club and an embarrassment. If ever I need cheering up I pop over to KUMB and have a little read. [hi there! - Ed] I always enjoy the 'Spurs are delusional' comments followed by 'the West Ham way' 'Academy of football' and 'we won the World Cup' posts. Apparently Slaven 'knows how to get a result' on Fri - lump it up to the Donkey."
- Nutter-Naylor

"Hope our boys are really up for this game - and remember our 1-0 defeat away to this lot last time! It effectively ended our title bid. There is revenge to be sorted. We owe them big time."
- Pirate55

"How crap is West Ham line up. Let's smash them."
- millsey

"I think our boys will be chomping at the bit for this one. They can't be disheartened by Chelsea's result because Chelsea won't have played yet. Instead, I think they'll be looking to throw down as big a marker as possible with a high scoring win. Think Stoke [0-4] away last year."
- Thin Lilywhite Duke

"Oh look, it's another bunch of pricks for us to smash."
- Samisspurs




The First Half

"'Quite a windy evening', says the commentator. Yeah, it's all the nervous farting from the Spammers."
- Smoked Salmon

"It's simply terrible watching football in that ground, even on the telly!"
- THFC-Israel

"So spammers have decided to mount a meat wall at their half of the pitch. We just have to be patient. The chances will come."
- Shacklebolt

"That shite green carpet round the pitch is dangerous."
- madmike

"We've started well, but you can tell we're missing Moussa in midfield."
- The Dane

"West Ham obviously happy with the draw so that they can claim they stopped us winning the title the vile scummy twunts."
- Yorkshire Yid

"Noble should of had a red for that tackle on Dier."
- ctw01

"I thought it was orange. Perhaps a red would've been a bit too harsh."
- Zarathustra

"Spurs fans start singing. What do the self proclaimed better fans do? Boo."
- Jordinho

"Even if we only get a point, it puts us within range of Chelsea if they lose one game. Would also guarantee at least runners-up. With that in mind I wouldn't be too disappointed. But we must not fucking lose this game."
- John Thomas

"We've let them drag us down to their level. We need to settle."
- galeforce

"Talk about parking the bus."
- Chucklevision82

"West Ham will blow themselves out - they haven't got the fitness."
- Legohamster

"Might be a game where we need to try something different, like throwing on N'Koudou to run at them or putting on Janssen to give Kane some more support. Right now West Ham look to have us figured out."
- Cochise

"Dominated the half but come up against the brick wall, hopefully we can unlock something and score to draw the pikeys out."
- bfgpete

"Commentator summed that up perfectly...where was this West Ham team for the past 34 games!! Horrible first half of football, we need the first goal in this game that's for sure!!"
- Why Do We Bother?

"I'm still confident we'll put six past them. Poch has got this."
- Super Jan Fan

"Incredibly poor first half. Dier and Wanyama in midfield does not work, especially against four midfielders. Dier can't seem to distribute the ball. West Ham have controlled this game because of how they have set up, I am perplexed how Poch has not changed anything."
- trifficTotnum

"I never expect much from first halves. Weather the initial storm and start wearing them down."
- Jordinho

"This is looking awfully like Upton Park last year...."
- Didn'tMindGraham




The Second Half: 45th-65th minute

"Just need to nick one. If we do that we'll win it."
- Smoked Salmon

"Maybe I'm biased, but they are hacking us down left and right."
- BrooklynYid

"Ayew skies it into Row A."
- onlyonekeano

"Hmmm. Another 10 mins of meh. We just need one of them to have a brainfart / one of our stars to have a moment of brilliance."
- Bullet

"Faster passing please."
- spursfan77

"This reminds me of the Chelsea match last season. Playing their hearts out just to piss us off."
- Shacklebolt

"Commentary is fucking me right off! We've won nine games in a row! Hardly evidence of a repeat of last season!"
- Mockers

"Still over 30 mins left. We got this."
- anydange

"Spammers have been good defensively tonight, can they keep it going for the full 90 though?"
- muppetman

"Parking the bus when in home turf. Tossers. Their idea of a good time must be to have a beer, one split between all of them."
- Everlasting Seconds

"Kane is getting bullied."
- Kirito

"As time goes on they will go deeper. We will find a way."
- madmike

"Good practice for when we play Man Utd, this."
- Col_M

"This team as I have witnessed all year will come through. 1 pts is not acceptable."
- Luvf

"Suddenly they're beginning to open up a bit. Bit of guile and pace now and we'll be in."
- Goose




The Second Half: Lanzini Scores

"ffs"
- DEFchenkOE

"I hate Lanzini."
- AlabamaSpur

"Unfuckingbelievable."
- Rhody Tottenham Fan

"Dier just watched that. He has been dreadful today, giving the ball away constantly. Boys, get the fuck into gear."
- DanSpur11

"Always gonna happen. West Ham's cup final."
- GinolaGinolaGinola

"WTF IS THIS?"
- BrooklynYid

"Well that might help us actually. We really have to go for it now and we will. Could change the makeup of the game, open things up."
- Super Jan Fan

"I was warned about that kid Lansini." [sic]
- Luvf

"Was there a hand ball in that?"
- Furball man

"You're all fucking shit."
- riggi

"Fuck me that was awful."
- Archibald&Crooks

"What the fuck is going on?"
- DanSpur11

"Softly softly catchy monkey? Oh look. Well good luck breaking them down now lads. Fucking right laugh."
- sammyspurs

"There's no god. Can't be."
- GaulPascoigne

"Oh no 0-1. Really scrappy goal from Lanzini. Sh1t. Now we are up against it . Really need to show if we have the stuff of Champions."
- Pirate55

"Bollocks. Thats that then. We arent scoring two tonight, might get one, but not two."
- paxtonwolf

"We'll still win it."
- BigLillywhiteCock

"What a joke of a goal, too."
- Rhody Tottenham Fan

"Well, now they will park an even larger bus."
- lillywhiteyank

"It is amazing how many teams hate us and get up just for our matches, I honestly think the is a hint of anti semanticist to it all, certainly with people like John Terry."
- Danishfurniturelover



The Second Half: 66th-90th minute

"Change should of happened 10 minutes ago, fecking hate West Ham such as insignificant club this will be the highlight of that shit stain of a clubs season if they win this."
- Yorkshire Yid

"Lanzini is destroying us."
- Legohamster

"What's frustrating me is they seem to want it more than us. We don't seem to understand what this fixture means to them, even if it means nothing to us in terms of rivalry."
-Smoked Salmon

"Come on Spurs. Stop playing like cowards."
- Rorschach

"You'd think they were going for the title. Absolutely pathetic performance from us."
- Goose

"We could always learn a thing or two from west ham tonight; we never play like this against teams as good or better than us."
- Eriktheviking

"They stopped us from going first last season, and they're going to fuck us up again by the looks of it. Amazing how much they raise their game."
- Melspurnian

"Spammers are playing like animals and they get away with it."
- Shacklebolt

"As galling as it is, you have to say so far their effort has simply been better. They've wanted it more and looked more lively and well organised. Conversely we look very fatigued, lethargic. We need to pull something out, not looking likely though."
- nayenezgani

"West Ham have played out if their skins. Corner, we need to score now."
- Pirate55

"This is probably the only time ever when Spammers new shite stadium will have anything that resembles a good atmosphere."
- Shacklebolt

"Looks like West Ham has four or five more players out there than us."
- tbonepremier

"Ok. West Ham are now attacking at will. Isn't that what we needed?"
- sammyspurs

"It has all been very industrial. Spurs have been poor in every department really. There's hardly a player on the pitch over a 6. I don't see any courage out there."
- Rorschach

"Aren't we supposed to dominate them with them parking the bus? Why are they creating chancing where we cant string four passes together at any area of the pitch?"
- rasjen14

"We can't keep the fucking ball, this is a shit show and is fully reminiscent of last season so far."
- DanSpur11

"This is pure desperation now. The subs are ludicrous."
- sammyspurs

"West Ham, of all the teams."
- GinolaGinolaGinola

"Whats with Lasagna gate and now this?"
- Yiddo

"Let's not forget that Noble should've been off first-half."
- thfcsteff

"This is fucking shite. Against West ham too. Of all the teams to bottle it against."
- John Thomas

"Where is that six second rule for GK gone? Not one time has Adrian used less than 20 seconds! Not even got a yellow! It's a disgrace!"
- Kandi1977

"We have been outmuscled everywhere on the pitch today plain and simple, we haven't been able to get any hold on the game. A tactical disaster from the off and we left it far too late to change it!"
- Why Do We Bother?

"Would even take a draw now. Don't lose to these cunts."
- Bazali

"Wet Spam have killed the game. Tactically, they got it right. And nicked a goal. The best they could have hoped for."
- Steve007

"Please Lord, give us a goal."
- greavsie

"The players weren't expecting this at all. West Hame have wanted it more all night."
- Christian's Eriksen

"Of all the teams we had to lose our heads against..."
- VirginiaSpur

"This performance is hurting my feelings. And ruining my cunting birthday."
- dunx_e_paranoia

"Add 10 minutes on just for fans being cunts."
- bonaspur23

"Have Spam confirmed the route for their open top bus yet?"
- Furball man

"It's not over until the whistle blows."
- Hotspurio

"We fucking did it again. Underestimated these cunts who always treat this like the world cup final."
- Hazza



Post Match Despair: The Lingering Futility Of A Title Challenge

"West Ham destroyed our season last year - and they've done it again today. "
- Donato

"West Ham have had one decent game all season, this is it. Now if you want to celebrate that fact, go ahead. West Ham are the schadenfreude club."
- Bagelboy

"Knew we were heading for a flat game - but against this shower??"
- Bazali

"Well done West Ham, enjoy your cup final and the only one redeeming thing you take from any season."
- 3DSpur

"Just listen to those twunts. This means so much to them you can tell. Well live it up you gippos because this is as good as it will get for you all season and with any luck you will be relegated, so that the other London clubs can be spared having to go to that lifeless stadium to play against such boring shite house tactics. This doesn't take anything away from the lads, they have been fantastic all season. It's just annoying losing to such a small insignificant club playing with such shitehouse tactics."
- Yorkshire Yid

"Proud of the boys. We have been the best and most entertaining team in the league by far this season. I find it very sad that West Ham fans take such pleasure in the demise of others considering 1: their goal was a lucky FIFA aids goal and 2: they are THE REV RIPSHER!! shit.
COYS!"
- Boyblunder

"This was spams Super Bowl. The fans will be talking about this for years because they are so piss poor it's all they can cling to. In reality we were a long shot to win the title. Sure it was nice to have that glimmer of hope, but we all knew Chelsea weren't likely to drop points with their remaining schedule, and we weren't likely to go unbeaten with ours."
- AlabamaSpur

"Surprised Poch didn't change Walker's side more quickly as he did against Palace. When West Ham were running behind our advanced full backs the answer surely was to keep the full backs back and give us width higher up the pitch? Bringing on Janssen was a waste of a sub because it meant we played the ball long for him to hold up and the three centre backs were easily mopping up the long balls. A rare off day from Poch."
- Robspur12

"Obviously GUTTED to see our amazing run of form fall apart against the spammy dodgers, a bitter and twisted joke of an outfit, ran by porn barons and the presenter off Supernanny, supported by EastEnders actors and anyone they can round up and bribe to try and fill their soulless, cavernous disaster of a new stadium, and represented by a bunch of players who, maddeningly, aside from when they play us, are so apathetic you wonder why they aren't playing in claret and blue pyjamas."
- RKen

"We had an off day, but credit to West Ham, they showed they really have been stealing a living all season."
- LemonadeMoney

"Don't really agree with this Wet Spam 'turning up'. They just got every one behind the ball and defended like many have done to us this season. Had we 'turned up' and scored they would have folded but the more we didn't bother them the more they got into the game. It's more about us and them and if you look at the Sunday League attempts they had on our goal that were going ever so wide, it just shows you why they've had had a bad season."
- JUZZA

"My one abiding regret from this result is that we couldn't make them feel even more despairing about that place. Now this win will likely give a glow of familiarity to the uranium bowl it probably doesn't deserve. I'm just thankful that we're getting all our hoodoos out of the way prior to our move into the new gaff, because you just *know* that we wouldn't get that sort of luck."
- DubaiSpur

"Don't even see the point of this Spurs team. They give you just enough for you to start hoping, then bottle it when the pressure is on. Last season we could have closed the gap on Leicester. Lost. This season we can close the gap on Chelsea. Lost. Brilliant. Waste of time. Consistently the best team over 2 years, and for what? We've won fuck all and Chelsea/United could end the season with 2 trophies despite playing shit. So sick of it."
- Jayc1

"Poor at best! But Hest Ham were brilliant! Not sure they created much but played for a draw and it worked fair play! Only player who can hold their head up was Eriksen! He will do well for Real next season."
- finchbee

"I feel physically sick after that result. So, so, so disappointing. Because we all know we are good enough to have played them off the park. I wasn't expecting a walkover by any means but I believed we would win and I'm struggling to understand how we couldn't find a way through. They weren't good but they were effective. History will have us as losers. And that hurts because it is blatantly not true of this team. Losing to this opposition hurts in particular because i know the rubbish and gloating I will now have to endure and because it just feeds their sense of joy and importance at getting one over us. That both hurts and irks."
- Glenda's Legs

"Poch fucked up the tactics here, it is clear as daylight."
- trifficTotnum

"A sad existence when their one highlight of the season is a chance to beat us. Terrible. That stadium is an abortion by the way, I don't blame the fans who refuse to go. We weren't catching Chelsea, a Summer without Woy fucking up our players, we can come back next season ready to fight for the title. Let's win all our remaining games."
- Mensa

"I love this team, but what a bunch of teases! Chasing the title last year, only to be humiliated by Newcastle and end up below Woolwich. This year, chasing the title as well only to lose to those average pikey cunts."
- fatabbott

"They had a back five for the whole game with two defensive mids - even Sam Allardyce would be ashamed of going that defensive. Their whole game plan was a 0-0 but they got the goal and we couldn't find a way past their back 7. Still think we are lacking pace in attacking areas - hopefully we get someone in who can provide that for next season."
- Fazz

"Fuck West Ham. Fuck their wanky fans."
- Steve007

"We had a great run and it was bound to happen at some point. It's just typical that Spammers manage to play their match of the season versus us. They basically did nothing wrong the whole match - not a single mistake. We got nothing for free tonight and I'm not sure our players were prepared for the dog fight this match turned out to be. West Ham will probably make a zillion DVD copies of this match and sell it as the highlight of the last 50 years. Let them have it."
- Shacklebolt

"Once again we hand the league title over to a team sat on their sofas. An atrocious performance. Spurs will always let you down."
- galeforce

"Anthony Taylor is the new lasagne."
- 90291Spur

"Losing it here, didn't see that coming. That's the weekend fucked so. Gutted."
- DeanoAustin

"Absolutely the worst we've played all season. I'm going home now to self-harm. I had promised myself that I was staying off the booze tonight, but that result requires alcohol."
- VirginiaSpur

"Bit of an odd feel about the team tonight. We obviously weren't at it, but there are some things that were strange. Why no Dembele? Probably a knock but he's had a few days to recover surely since Arsenal? Why not switch to 343 and match them? I don't know if there is a mix of Poch needing to do certain things out of principal (which may actually be the right thing to do in the long run) but it just felt odd tonight. Even so, Poch and his team have earned our trust. And we should be immensely proud of the team this year. We've been the best side."
- BrainOfLevy




The Morning After The Night Before

"I still feel gutted this morning. But looking at things in the context of our whole season so far, it's one very rare loss, not a derailment of all the good we have achieved. Spam fans will be overjoyed at seemingly stopping our pursuit of something we were in all likeliness not going to achieve, and I'll have to endure that for a couple of weeks no doubt. But I much prefer that our season is defined by the good we are doing for ourselves rather than being defined by 'thwarting' another team."
- Glenda's Legs

I expect the players to pick themselves up and focus positively on winning our remaining games. And if I expect it of them, then I won't allow myself to wallow either (well, maybe just a little bit today).Whatever happens now it's been an amazing season."
- Anon

"Arse. Well, it had to happen sometime. West Ham executed their game plan well, a few of our players, notably Walker, had off days. Easy to say with hindsight, but I really think we should have played three at the back for this one."
- FatBloke

"This is on Poch. He gets the praise when we win. Everyone could see the problem with Dier and Wanyama in central midfield together after a few minutes. He didn't change anything. West Ham kept playing balls in behind Walker and Davies when they went forward. The obvious thing was to play three at the back and have another defender sitting deep to deal with it. Poch's eventual solution was to move Dier to centre half. He left all his changes til too late and took West Ham away for granted. I still don't think he understands London football and how they feel about this fixture."
- Modric THFC

"I was sat right next to the Hammers fans and I reckon I was called a 'cunt' 15,000 times during the 90 minutes by a load of 12-year-olds."
- markysimmo

"Looking back, I think we got it wrong tactically. I actually think we have done quite a few times against West Ham in recent years. Their incredibly deep back line handled our attack easily and we found ourselves exposed defensively. I think we were too gung-ho at the back and Mousa in the middle with Son off the bench would have done the trick in my mind - but how can I even possibly criticise Poch and this beautiful football side. I am so gutted tonight. But incredibly proud."
- diego_maradona

"I have to admit I am enjoying my afternoon in the pub listening to the Spam fans. They are SO very, very happy that they beat us it's actually quite sweet. It truly is the pinnacle of their season. I hated losing last night but beating us means more to them than losing to them means to us."
- Glenda's Legs

"I am gutted because we lost to Wet Spam making them safe and ending our title challenge. I am gutted because Poch for some reason didn't change it like he did at Palace. I am gutted because we are so much better than them as a team. However if we finish on 80 or more points it will have been a terrific season and last night forgotten. It won't be enough to fold now like last year, we need to keep winning."
- Robspur12

"It was difficult to get any sort of atmosphere going just because of the enormous gap between the upper and lower tier, it's literally fucking ridiculous. That along with a ridiculously long and winding walk to and from the station, I for one will never set foot in that brick hole again it was awful."
- markysimmo

"Terrible from start to finish. Poch and the players seemed to freeze. But we also played badly against West Ham at home and got away with it, so I suppose we were owed that. We are the best team in the league when it doesn't matter. But give us a must-win at Wembley in Europe or the Cup, give us a chance to get within a point of the top or go top, we seem to mess it up every time. I can't see us winning anything when it comes to the crunch. I don't know what's missing from the team to solve that, but it is so frustrating. To be so near yet so far feels horrible."
- the dza

"West Ham did well. They sat in, and went in hard and quick on our lads at every opportunity. It worked as we never got any sort of rhythm going. They often played it long into the channels which were conveniently vacated by our full backs and then chased it down with every ounce of their energy. Spurs fudged around with the ball at the back and tried some impossible long passes to Kane, of which he won the sum total of none. We had no real discernable tactics to break them down and to be honest really got what we deserved."
- Rorschach

"How long can the club afford to be patient? The likes of Kane, Eriksen, Rose, Toby and Alli will want to be winning titles NOW! They will not hang around indefinitely. Even the established top four sides have windows of opportunity to win the league, that all too soon pass and they break down the squad. We are in that window right now and have to take advantage, otherwise the above players will be off - and who could really blame them if they did?"
- Gilzeantoscore

"I think the overriding disappointment is that it's West Ham. They've become a bit of a problem in recent years. We need to look at correcting that next season, as it is, Bilics tactics seem to ruffle Poch a little. We were fortunate to win at WHL too."
- diego_maradona

"Out of it now. Someone said to me last season 'your lot will never win the league' and I'm beginning to believe it. We caved in just like last season. We didn't look a class side against Hammers and that is disappointing. Some will say Chelski have blank cheques on buying so should be there, but West Ham haven't and they beat us well. We've had a great season but would you back us against most sides in Champions League when we cant even beat the likes of West Ham? Dream on."
- lillywhite

"Started a new job on Tuesday, found out today one of my colleagues is a West Ham fan. Don't think I'll bother going back."
- Chucklevision82

* Comments originally published on Twitter, spurscommunity.co.uk, shelfsidespurs.com, glory-glory.co.uk and thefightingcock.co.uk.





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   arrow   In brief - Monday's news round-up [1st May 2017]
   arrow   In brief - Tuesday's news round-up [25th Apr 2017]
   arrow   In brief - Tuesday's news round-up [18th Apr 2017]
   arrow   In brief - Tuesday's news round-up [11th Apr 2017]
   arrow    Carroll, Antonio, Payet & Bilic: Tuesday's news [20th Dec 2016]
   arrow   Kouyate, Noble, Randolph & Bilic: Friday's news [16th Dec 2016]
   arrow   Cresswell, Antonio, Ogbonna & Billic: Tuesday's news [8th Nov 2016]
   arrow   Ayew, Adrian, Antonio & Billic: Tuesday's news [1st Nov 2016]
   arrow   Noble, Carroll, Bilic & Cresswell: Monday's news [18th Oct 2016]
   arrow   Cresswell, Noble, Gold & Bilic: Friday's news [30th Sep 2016]



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