Hammers release new ‘Cuddly Hooligan’ merchandise

Who would ever have thought that the artistic types down the Boleyn would ever find themselves associated with ‘ugly’ or ‘effective’football as per the Allardyce method?

Similarly, who would ever have envisaged the Hammers moving home away from the hallowed turf at Upton Park? In similarly unexpected developments, the current crop of Hammers fans have found themselves top of the Premier League's good behaviour league!

Premier League fair play standings for fans are scored per match for unacceptable loutish thuggery (a negative score) and positive points for enthusiastic encouragement of one's own chaps along with polite clapping of good play by opposing players (Errr!?).

After six matches of the 2013-2014 season, it's time to crack open the ginger ale as those spiffingly well behaved Bubbles boyz find themselves clear at the top of the Premier League good guys league!

The result represents a remarkable turnaround for the club and once again demonstrates our versatility under the Twin-Davids & Mrs Brady-old-lady regime-the Hammers can play it pretty or ugly depending on the prevailing philosophy of the day.

While previous generations have witnessed the pretty on-field soccer artistry matched by mindless thuggery on the terraces, the Allardyce era has seen a switch to the Hammers apparently having the most polite and cuddly supporters paired with the brutal physicality of our current highly muscular squad.

While the ratings serve as encouragement to Hammers chiefs, it is probably worth noting that those 'terrifying' monsters who support the likes of Fulham (?!?) and outrageous animals who follow Hull City (Meeow!) are rated amongst the worst behaved fans of the Premier League so far. I guess that their negative ratings must be for not properly disposing of their match day programmes, eating unhealthy foods at matches or other 'horrific' behaviour.

Since the last included rating the Hammers have made the treacherous trip to White Hart Lane where sensitivities currently run super-high. However, the fans exemplary behaviour during that trip will undoubtedly further stretch their lead at the top of the table.

In contrast, the growing comedy down at White Hart Lane will undoubtedly catapult Spurs to the bottom of the league as, having identified a racial sensitivity to put opposing fans under the spotlight, they have quickly discovered the need to get the self-stigma of their own 'Y-Army' in order before criticising their neighbours for potential name-calling.

Meanwhile, back at the pinnacle of the good behaviour ratings, those merchandising masterminds at the Boleyn are rumoured to be about to release a range of must have products for the discerning Hammer.

In addition to a Danny Dyer like teddythug, they have designed a selection of harmless paper stickers to stick on opposing fans who fall asleep during matches. There are also plans for a Ray Winstone-style envelope opener and a Russell Brand-based dog toy.

It's hard to know what all those glorified faux-hooligans of Hollywood fame will make of it all, but already HBO are considering plans to seize upon the opportunity with a new series to fill that 'difficult' early evening slot usually occupied by saccharine sweet sitcoms of the Brady Bunch ilk.

Their new show will feature West Ham fans getting into all sorts of sticky situations while doing wholesome volunteer work or attending worthy community events and the like and will be called 'Trouble in the Bubble'.

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