92 times the pain

The 92: Why I hate every club in the country, including my own...

1. Accrington Stanley
Our paths have barely crossed, but the fact 'that advert' leads many to say the clubs name in an annoying Scouse accent is enough to induce violent bouts of rage.
2. AFC Bournemouth
Oh plucky Bournemouth. They've climbed the leagues from the brink of obscurity. They allegedly play football in the right way. They cheat, niggle and whinge to a bloody high level though don't they.

3. AFC Wimbledon
Anyone who endured the clubs previous incarnation in the 80's & 90's will instantly have enough loathing for this lot until these lot finally moved to their own suburb, die another death because no one loves them and gets franchised out to another new town. Probably Welwyn Garden City.

4. Arsenal
Promoted unfairly in 1919, they've bored the Arsenal off everyone ever since. Populated by 60,000 silent muppets who think they're god's gift. When you're most famous fan is Osama Bin Laden you're in trouble.

5. Aston Villa
For the crime of being both from Birmingham and being the most non-descript side to ever win the European Cup. At least Steua Bucharest had the decency to be vaguely interesting. You're a disgrace to colours claret and blue.

6. Barnsley
October 1987. A chilly night in East London. We threw away a 2 goal lead, missed then a penalty and ended up losing 5-2 to this mob.

7. Birmingham City
A trip to St. Andrews is like a trip to war-torn Baghdad. Without the charm. And with a much less friendly welcome

8. Blackburn Rovers
Just look at their alumni of bosses since 1987. When Ben Kenobi described Mos Eisley as a wretched hive on scum and villainy, he obviously hadn't seen who was going to occupy the Ewood Park hot seat in the coming years.

9. Blackpool
Ahh poor Blackpool. They've gone through a torrid time with the Osytons. You have to feel sorry for them? Well I bloody don't. Mainly because they sold the play-off final tickets to deny us taking over virtually the whole stadium.

10. Bolton Wanderers
When we went down with a record number of points, who stayed up instead of us? Led by the gum chewing, bile spewing anti-Christ.

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11. Bradford City
It's their colours. And since Harry bleedin' Potter appeared on the scene, it's more prominent

12. Brentford
First encounters with them they were like a trainee version of Wimbledon in the 80's. Filed forever more in the assholes category

13. Brighton & Hove Albion
Too many hills. Too much rain. Too much Glenn poxy Murray.

14. Bristol City
Bristol's got some nice places. But on matchdays random gangs of City fans roam the streets, bitter that the Wurzels haven't had a top 10 hit since 1976 looking for bother. Jog on.

15. Bristol Rovers
I saw Keiron Dyer more times in Romford hobbling to and from rehabilitation sessions than I did in actual West Ham shirt. ?6m worth of talent, constantly putting me off my lunch or distracting me from the film I was about to see. Just because some nondescript Rover thug destroyed the fragile mite

16. Burnley
As a Panini sticker hungry young boy, I found Burley's V necked squad sticker disturbing. Not as much as when Not as much as I when I finally secured the dreaded Peter Noble/Martin Dobson double act sticker. Horrific.

17. Burton Albion
Twice employed Steve Evans. The second time after a 20 month ban from football.

18. Bury
Yeah Paul Hilton. Cheers for that.

19. Cambridge United
Quite possibly one of the worst badges seen on a football clubs shirt was the Cambridge United football reading a book combo of the 70's. Yeah we get it. You've got a university.

20. Cardiff City
You're Welsh. Get your own league.

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21. Carlisle United
No coincidence the global epidemic of OCD has come to the fore since the building of the East Stand. Plus it's basically Scotland. Without the charm.

22. Charlton Athletic
The first time I ever saw Charlton play us they went one up after nine seconds. They've grated my gears ever since. And why so many bloody hills round there?

23. Chelsea
Loathsome before the Russian money and JT we're even a twinkle in the eye. Now on another level of arrogance and embarrassment. I'm still scarred by the 10,000 at home one week for Southampton, 40000 the next when Liverpool are in town level of loyal support in the 80s.

24. Cheltenham Town
In my never ending ability to pick young players I think will go on to be great I saw Jamie Victory play for the youth team and thought he could be a real player. He did. For Cheltenham.

25. Colchester United
Is there anything offensive about Colchester?? There downright inoffensiveness gets my goat. Develop a personality of some sort will you!!

26. Coventry City
How far from the bloody station is the place? We used to say that at Highfield Road. It's even further to the Ricoh. No wonder no home fans want to go there. It was quicker to walk to Northampton

27. Crawley Town
For the crimes of employing both Steve Evans and Harry Kewell as manager.

28. Crewe Alexandra
My last visit to Gresty Road was a timely reminder of while it's interesting to be relegated and tour grounds you're not familiar with, it's not to be repeated too much. It's blatantly clear where the concept of The Walking Dead originated. There's a reason that this is a major train terminus, you need to transport yourself away as sharp as you can.

29. Crystal Palace
Used to be just because Selhurst Park was not only a dump, but a pain in the arse to get to. Now throw in a turgid play-off final defeat, the self-styled Ultra's & getting Glad All Over stuck in your head for a week after playing them then you have increased amounts of hate. And don't get me started on that poxy Eagle.

30. Derby County
A support that couldn't even tell you the difference between Paul Kitson and Paolo Alves. Giving chubby Francis his managerial break for no reason.

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31. Doncaster Rovers
Have you any idea how hard it is to get motivated for a game against this lot?

32. Everton
Been to Goodison countless times and my goal return in the for column is precisely 1. That was a penalty. Lukaku scoring every bloody time.

33. Exeter City
Fantastic. A godforsaken trip to the West Country without even the benefit of a hint of seaside.

34. Fleetwood Town
Stadium name. Northern. Fish. That's all I need to say.

35. Forest Green Rovers
I'm all for living a more environmentally-friendly lifestyle but force feeding punters vegan cuisine surely breaks a Geneva Convention or 2. And the consequences of 2000 blokes full of beans, pulses and cheap lager is potentially disastrous.

36. Fulham
Craven Cottage has plenty of character. So did the Emoji movie and that was garbage too.

37. Gillingham
Yep. Let's put away fans in a temporary stand. You know we're West Ham right? We live on the edge of danger. Quite literally when visiting this dump. It's the called the Brian Moore stand. No wonder his hair fell out. Was the nerves of sitting in that and wondering if you would come out alive.

38. Grimsby Town
The name of the Town says it all. Grim. As have been the performances I've seen against them.

39. Huddersfield Town
Huddersfield used to be good once. The only Huddersfield fan I knew used to remind me of this. Regularly and annoyingly. They also used to have a Yorkshire terrier on their badge. He didn't mention that funnily enough.

40. Hull City
Rugby league town who gave us the pleasure of perma-tanned Phil Brown. Cause enough for requesting the dismantling of the Humber Bridge.

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41. Ipswich Town
Recent visits and the conceding of goals have been met with a fella, leaping from his wheelchair in the style of Andy from Little Britain and jumping around like a demented space invader. Be careful sunshine. The DWP will have you.

42. Leeds United
15 games against this lot. Just one win. Had the front to have the cultured midfield pairing of Vinny Jones and David Batty and still win. The city that gave us Jimmy Saville. Oh and employed Steve Evans.

43. Leicester City
Always a horrible place to go. They briefly flirted with polite acceptance when they bucked the trend and won the league, against the skewed financial odds of modern football. Since though they have forgotten that they are basically a tinpot lower top flight, comfortable second tier side and think they are entitled to greatness. They're not. Plus you gave the world Gary Lineker. Smug git.

44. Lincoln City
They let John Beck loose on the managerial world. Plus choked while I managed them on C64's legendary The Double.

45. Liverpool
You ruined my childhood. You ruined my shot at the UEFA Cup. You ruined my life in 2006. And all these occasions it WAS your fault.

46. Luton Town
Plastic pitch. Banning away fans. League Cup semi's. Showaddywaddy beating us in the FA Cup quarters. Awful place, awful ground.

47. Macclesfield Town
Didn't have the dignity to let us hit double figures in the cup earlier this season. Stupid enough to let Sol Campbell have a job. Wait tilt he time to part company comes lads.

48. Manchester City
Poor long suffering City. You had your ups, your downs, but now your new ups are taking the bloody biscuit. Revert to your old Jamie Pollock wonder own goals this instant.

49. Manchester United
The very reason modern football is rubbish. Fergie's siege mentality obnoxiousness, getting away with every decision ever. The offensive postcodes of the bulk of their support. Jesus they weren't even nice prior to 1986. I would rant on but I've not been allocated the additional Fergie time to do so.

50. Mansfield Town
Let's face it - chairman John Radford is punching well above his weight. Oh and they employed Steve Evans.

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51. Middlesbrough
Bernie bloody Slaven.

52. Millwall
Let's take away the obvious reasons just for one second. If I wanted to see a bunch of overexcited chimps, gormlessly posture I'd watch reruns of the PG tips ads on YouTube. At least the mob from PG had a piano.

53. Milton Keynes Dons
Plastic club, in a plastic city.

54. Morecambe
This one's a dislike for more pragmatic reasons. Just by looking at the place on the map and its location. When we eventually get to play them, and we will. It will be a cup game. In the middle of winter. Shifted for TV. The journey will be arduous. The weather Baltic. We will lose. Mark my words. This is West Ham. It will happen.

55. Newcastle United
Newcastle is far enough away as it is, without when you get there being asked to scale Mount Everest in order to get to your seat.

56. Newport County
In January 1979 as a wide eyed young lad we drew a 4th division Newport in the cup. And lost. My first real memory of knowing what a West Ham would be like. Sod off Newport.

57. Northampton Town
The only thing interesting about them was they played at Northamptonshire Cricket Club. They moved. Dull, dull, dull.

58. Norwich City
Deceptively further away than it seems. A city of real ale = a morning of hangover from hell.

59. Nottingham Forest
Besmirched the legacy of Brian Clough. John Metgod. Didn't have the decency to beat Tottenham in the 1991 FA Cup final. Not necessarily in that order.

60. Notts County
Mark Draper & Neil Warnock combing to ruin my dreams of winning the 2nd division.

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61. Oldham Athletic
Plastic pitch. Valentine's Day league cup embarrassment. Last minute winners to deny us the league. Dump of a place.

62. Oxford United
The Manor Ground is the worst I've ever been to. To put this into context. I've been to Kennilworth Road.

63. Peterborough United
Employed Steve Evans.

64. Plymouth Argyle
Always rail problems getting there. Always far bigger ones getting back. Plus Ginsters are garbage.

65. Port Vale
There must be something in the water in the Potteries. It turns them into the cast of The Warriors. Similar dress sense too.

66. Portsmouth
The coldest place on earth. No one should have to watch a game of football while a polar bear dies of hypothermia next to you.

67. Preston North End
For the crime of not only having a plastic pitch, but also employing John Beck to get a side playing on it, you're name will also go on the list.

68. Queens Park Rangers
Nearly died there in 1988. Through being squashed and not static shock through the plastic pitch. Games against them since have been borderline coma inducing.

69 Reading
Soulless, plastic hellhole in the middle of nowhere. Nobody would miss it if were blown to smithereens. We played there when 9/11 happened. Wasted opportunity that Osama.

70. Rochdale
The ground is named after quite possibly the worst concept for a theme park ever.

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71. Rotherham United
My dad's only ever been to one game with me and it was against this lot. Dull 2-1 win, but it was awful. Put him off coming again. Oh and they employed Steve Evans.

72. Scunthorpe United
Call themselves The Iron. Play in claret and blue. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery apparently.

73. Sheffield United
Oh dear. You got relegated because of Tevez did you? Not due to the fact you're manager played weakened sides and you we're genuinely worse than us. Well at least you used the money you got from it wisely eh.

74. Sheffield Wednesday
Anyone who endured watching Wednesday in the 1980's knows that even if the club discovered cures for all the horrible diseases in the world, it wouldn't make up for having to watch that dross.

75. Shrewsbury Town
I said I'd never watch a club game at Wembley until I saw my beloved West Ham. A Salop supporting mate convinced me to go to the 1996 Auto-Windscreens final. Where Shrewsbury inexplicably representing the South lost to Rotherham. I feel cheated.

76. Southampton
The first ever West Ham game I went to was against Southampton. Boxing Day 1983. We lost.

77. Southend United
Southend is famous for many things. A long pier, drug addiction and awful pubs occupied by chavs is something they excel at. Football. Nah!

78. Stevenage
The town itself holds bad memories. Denied entry to the league in 1996 because the ground didn't meet requirements, presumably no one bothered checking 14 years later given the state of it.

79. Stoke City
Any club that employs Tony Pulis not once, but twice should be expelled from the professional ranks.

80. Sunderland
For allowing Ray Atteveld to ruin my hopes and dreams in 1992.

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81. Swansea City
Only seen them beat us once, but it was when it most mattered. They then had the cheek to charge us ?20m for moody Andre Ayew. Plus you're Welsh. Get your own league.

82. Swindon Town
When these lot went through what was the worst season ever in the Premier League. Guess who failed to beat them either home or away?

83. Tottenham Hotspur
Where do you begin? The most loathsome and delusional support in the world firstly. Claiming it's our cup final, when they know it's there's judging by the celebrations when they win is the mere tip of the iceberg.

84. Tranmere Rovers
When we played them it was back when the internet didn't exist and it was harder to know what was going on. Particularly on a Friday night when you're in the pub. Waking up hung over to find we have invariably lost the poor cousin of the Scousers is enough to ruin anyone's weekend.

85. Walsall
I refuse to be beaten by a team that has a stand named after Gilbert Alsop. Only we did. 1994. With a team containing six internationals.

86. Watford
Walking round those poxy allotments after the schlep from the station. Yes I am of a certain age. To bring my hatred into more modern times. Don't you just want to punch Troy Deeney?

87. West Bromwich Albion
3-0 up to 4-0 down. Adrian Chiles. The concourse on the away end. That's enough to be getting on with.

88. West Ham United
Had it not been for this wonderful club, through which I've made lifelong friends, had many great days out, I'd be a much, much wealthier man.

89. Wigan Athletic
One road in and out to a place that time appears to have forgotten since 1930 isn't a good sign. That I've been daft enough to go back to the place on countless occasions is worse...

90. Wolverhampton Wanderers
Nearly got killed driving up there in 1989 and lost my 1981 League Cup Final scarf in the process.

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91. Wycombe Wanderers
Who the hell builds a football ground that is that inaccessible? So hellish is the journey I think the stadium is named after Gerry AdamS.

92. Yeovil Town
Middle of nowhere. Paul Terry. Forgetting how to giant-kill.

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