The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Hammer.CA on Thu Jul 04, 2019 12:46 am

Despite winning rave reviews, Kenyan method actor fails his audition for the David Bowie starring role in the remake of the film The Man Who Fell To Earth.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Tenbury on Thu Jul 04, 2019 5:55 am

A couple of weeks ago, someone got took down for making tasteless jokes.

Surely someone must have something built around the guy and his daughter who drowned.?
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Francoisvander or else on Thu Jul 04, 2019 9:18 am

Paddy and Murphy go on their first ever flight. The flight is lovely and smooth when Paddy says to Murphy "if this plane flew upside down would we fall out"? "Not at all" replies Murphy, "will always be friends".
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Thu Jul 04, 2019 11:56 am

I took our dog to the vet and asked for its tail to be cut off.
"Why do you want me to do that?" asked the vet. "Well", I explained, “my mother in law is coming to visit tomorrow and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Mon Jul 08, 2019 8:27 am

Why were Star Wars episodes 4,5 & 6 made before 1,2 & 3?

Because head of scheduling Yoda was.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby vietnammer on Mon Jul 08, 2019 5:13 pm

Someone asked a cow why it has hooves and not toes.

Because I'm lactose
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Samba on Mon Jul 08, 2019 9:29 pm

The price of a bowl of strawberries at Wimbledon.
What a racket.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby The Old Man of Storr on Mon Jul 08, 2019 11:06 pm

Sauce! wrote:I took our dog to the vet and asked for its tail to be cut off.
"Why do you want me to do that?" asked the vet. "Well", I explained, “my mother in law is coming to visit tomorrow and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."



:lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Cuenca 'ammer on Mon Jul 08, 2019 11:40 pm

Sauce


:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Tue Jul 09, 2019 12:55 pm

^^^^^^

This :D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Wed Jul 10, 2019 4:42 pm

Old MacDonald had a calculator.

01313
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby pablo jaye on Wed Jul 10, 2019 9:25 pm

Sauce! wrote:Old MacDonald had a calculator.

01313



That took me a minute to get ... very good.

5318008
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby pablo jaye on Fri Jul 12, 2019 5:35 pm

A fella’s wife was trying to spark up their love life, so lay on their bed, naked, seductively using a lollipop, sliding it in and out and occasionally licking it.

‘Steady on’ the fella says ‘You’re gonna need to use that thing, tomorrow at the school crossing!!’
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby vietnammer on Sat Jul 13, 2019 9:19 am

Hammer.CA wrote:Despite winning rave reviews, Kenyan method actor fails his audition for the David Bowie starring role in the remake of the film The Man Who Fell To Earth.


This has had me stumped for days. I have set aside all concerns; familial, philosophical and professional, wondering about it.

Please set me free.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Shy Ted on Sat Jul 13, 2019 9:41 am

Hammer.CA wrote:Despite winning rave reviews, Kenyan method actor fails his audition for the David Bowie starring role in the remake of the film The Man Who Fell To Earth.


vietnammer wrote:This has had me stumped for days. I have set aside all concerns; familial, philosophical and professional, wondering about it.

Please set me free.


Stowaway fell from a passenger jet and plunged into a garden in Clapham.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Sat Jul 13, 2019 1:35 pm

Who is the most laid back of all the Norse Gods?

Loki
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby vietnammer on Sat Jul 13, 2019 1:49 pm

Shy Ted wrote:Stowaway fell from a passenger jet and plunged into a garden in Clapham.


Aaah that's a relief. I mean poor fellow but that's a relief.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Hammer.CA on Sat Jul 13, 2019 5:11 pm

I came out of Sainsbury's just now and there was a woman crying her eyes out. She'd lost all her holiday money she had been saving for months. I felt so sorry for her and I’m sure you would have done the same, I gave her £50.

I don't usually do that kind of thing but I'd just found £2000 in the car park.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Hammer.CA on Sat Jul 13, 2019 5:44 pm

I've just released my own fragrance.

However, nobody on this train seems to like it.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby -DL- on Mon Jul 15, 2019 7:46 am

Wife said to me "I've lost 3 kilo, can you notice it?" So I got the yellow pages and tore 3 pages out and asked her "can you notice that's lost 3 pages "

In for surgery in the morning to have a phone book removed from my arse.
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