The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Paddy O'Hammer on Wed Jun 19, 2019 4:34 pm

You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of vaudeville days, viz., Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others? You've probably heard of them before, but don't you miss their humour? Not one single swear word in their comedy.

**************************************************************************************

A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says,"I make good living."

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

I was just in London --- there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I am 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?"
Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because; I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it? The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a
nuisance to anybody."

Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.

Q : What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A : Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby vietnammer on Wed Jun 19, 2019 5:53 pm

:lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby pablo jaye on Wed Jun 19, 2019 7:35 pm

I was most disgusted the other day at my local Odeon Cinema who refused to let me pay for my pick and mix with a £50 note - I had to use two £29s and a £10 instead.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Wed Jun 19, 2019 8:52 pm

Was in Dubai last week. Some rich Arab offered me 40 Camels in exchange for my wife.
I normally smoke Marlboro, but still not a bad deal.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Wed Jun 19, 2019 10:26 pm

My wife was concerned that my Sinead O’Connor obsession was getting out of hand.

So I went to the doctor.

Guess what he told me.

Guess what he told me.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Samba on Fri Jun 21, 2019 6:51 am

I've started a business making yachts in my loft.
Sails are through the roof.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Samba on Fri Jun 21, 2019 6:55 am

Samba wrote:I've started a business making yachts in my loft.
Sails are through the roof.


Before himself turns up...

Postby Sauce! on Thu Jul 14, 2016 1:26 pm
I started my own business a few weeks ago. I converted my loft into a workshop and am using it to build bespoke yachts.
Sails are going through the roof.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Hammer.CA on Fri Jun 21, 2019 12:03 pm

I was in the pub last night telling my mate the joke about, “What would you do if an epileptic was having a fit in the bath....throw the washing in." However, the bloke on the next table said, "My brother who is epileptic had a fit in the bath and died."
F*ck me, If the ground could have swallowed me up I would have of been happy. I said “Sorry to hear that, mate. Did he drown?"
He said, "No, he choked on a sock."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby DasNutNock on Fri Jun 21, 2019 12:09 pm

pablo jaye wrote:I was most disgusted the other day at my local Odeon Cinema who refused to let me pay for my pick and mix with a £50 note - I had to use two £29s and a £10 instead.


I've seen this one a few times now, and still don't think I get it.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Monkeybubbles on Fri Jun 21, 2019 12:34 pm

Samba wrote:
Before himself turns up...



My work here is done. Wear the crown lightly.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby James P on Fri Jun 21, 2019 12:43 pm

DasNutNock wrote:I've seen this one a few times now, and still don't think I get it.


The set up is they won’t take his £50 because it’s too big a note for his purchase but cinema pick and mix is so expensive he’s actually buying £50’s worth.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby jastons on Fri Jun 21, 2019 12:50 pm

A £29 note doesn't exist, even if it did exist 2 x£29 is £58 so he wouldn't need the £10.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby James P on Fri Jun 21, 2019 12:52 pm

jastons wrote:A £29 note doesn't exist, even if it did exist 2 x£29 is £58 so he wouldn't need the £10.


I’m presuming that’s a typo
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby DasNutNock on Fri Jun 21, 2019 1:29 pm

Cheers gents, that makes more sense (re the typo).
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby DasNutNock on Fri Jun 21, 2019 1:30 pm

If he’d been to our local cinema, he’d have been lucky to get away with just a bullseye.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Hammer1972 on Fri Jun 21, 2019 2:10 pm

A grandfather tells his grandson "All you kids do these days is play video games. When I was your age, my buddies and I went to Paris. We went to the Moulin Rouge, I shagged a dancer on the stage, took a piss on the bartender and drank all night for free."

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris with his friends and comes back 3 days later - covered in bruises and with a broken arm.

"What the hell happened to you?" asks the grandfather.

"I did just like you said. I went to the Moulin Rouge and tried to shag a dancer and piss on the bartender. But they beat the crap out of me, took all my money and threw me out."

"Well, who the hell did you go with boy?"

"My friends from school. Who did you go with?"

"Well....the Nazis."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Fri Jun 21, 2019 5:47 pm

^^ :lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Rocketron on Fri Jun 21, 2019 7:43 pm

WW1 hospital. A General is being given the tour.
First bed he comes to, he asks
"What's the matter with you son?
Syphillis, Sir" was the reply
"What's the treatment?"
Wire brush and Dettol Sir.
What's your ambition?
To get out of here and fight the Hun, Sir.
Second bed, he asks the same questions, the replies are
Piles,Sir.
Wire brush and Dettol, Sir.
To get out of here and fight the Hun, Sir.
The General arrives at the Third bed and asks the same questions.
The replies are
Laryngitis, Sir.
Wire brush and Dettol, Sir.
To be first with the wire brush and Dettol, Sir.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby vietnammer on Fri Jun 21, 2019 7:48 pm

Her; what do you think of the brisket?

Me; (belches) I don't know much about politics
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby pablo jaye on Fri Jun 21, 2019 9:36 pm

DasNutNock wrote:Cheers gents, that makes more sense (re the typo).



Yup - Twas a typo, a curse of having elephants thumbs. Apologies for causing confusion!
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